Saturday, July 29, 2006

Who Gets To Play My Brother George?

Liberace When He Was Young And Gay

It was announced this week that a major Academy Award winning actor has decided to take on the role of a lifetime by playing the lead in the larger than life biopic of none other than Liberace (we know, there's already been two TV movies on his life...but those don't count). Obviously, with the star power behind this big screen version, it will be the role of a lifetime for this already-bigger-than-big actor.

"It Better Be Someone Pretty!"

But, who could it be?! Which top box-office-drawing celebrity would be the right choice for recreating such a cultural icon as the flamboyant Liberace?

Could it be......

one of our finest actors, the great Al Pacino?

"This Piano Is Out Of Tune.

Or perhaps an equally intense and well-respected actor in need of a career lift. How about Joe Pesci?

"Does My Piano Playing AMUSE You??!!!"

Another tough guy, could it possibly be this actor with the same amount of syllables in his last name as Liberace?
From 'The Sopranos'....James Gandalfini.

"I'll REALLY Need Therapy After This!!!"

But again, the announcement was that it was an Academy Award winner.
Obviously, it will have to be someone who is well known and respected for losing themselves in a character. He managed to bring Ray Charles back to life! How about Jamie Foxx?

"Yo. I Dig The Chicks Too Much For This Role."

But who's to say it has to be a man? Who better to pull off this complex character than the great Meryl Streep.

"A Dingo Ate My Piano!!!"

But if we had our pick, it would be someone with a bit more......empathy with the character.
How about Richard Simmons?


And yet, despite all these great choices and potential winners, the person who was actually chosen to play the life of the one and only Liberace, will be....

Nicolas Cage


That sound you hear is Liberace spinning in his grave.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

A Series Of Tubes

Tube Boob

This website has already reported on the ongoing debate on Net Neutrality and the future of internet freedom, but we haven't yet heard from Senator Ted Stevens, the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation; the man whose wisdom will ultimately help determine whether big businesses such as AT&T and Comcast will be allowed to regulate the speed and the availability of particular websites they provide to their subscribers. It's a highly volatile issue, with much at stake, therefore it's important to hear what the 82-year-old Senator Stevens had to say about the controversy. Here's a direct quote from his address to the Senate earlier this month:

"They want to deliver vast amount of information over the Internet, and again, the Internet is not just something you dump something on," he said. "It's not a big truck, it's a series of tubes! And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled! If they're filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line, it's going to be delayed by anyone who puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material."

The Senator went on to explain in crystal clear detail how his staff sent an internet (we assume he means an e-mail) that got delayed, because of ten movies(?):

"Ten movies streaming across that internet....and what happens to your own personal internet? I...I just the other day got internet, was sent by my staff at 10:00 in the morning on Friday...I got it yesterday!"

Obviously, the man responsible for determining the future of the internet is not exactly up to speed. He's not even up to dial-up. Our guess is that he came up with this brilliant statement when he dusted off his 1947 issue of his Funk & Wagnells dictionary and found this definition:

A Series Of Tubes (phrase) 'ah see-rees uhv toobs': what the internet will someday be made up of.

Who put this man in charge of this legislation? It's sort of like putting Gilligan in charge of the Navy. To think that the future of the internet is in the wrinkled hands of this out-of-touch politician is enough to make you download in your pants.

Rubbed The Wrong Way

However, we decided to do our own research and we discovered another definiton from our slightly more updated dictionary:

A Series of Tubes: another description for the current world leaders.

Yes, this term could certainly apply to the recent behavior captured on film and sent to us through tubes, regarding the bizarre behavior of other politicians large and in charge.

This past week, George W Bush attended the G8 Summit, where he successfully groped German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Many were shocked that Bush would treat the respected leader of her country with such a casual regard. Talk about political incorrectness! This kind of behavior would get you sued over here in America. Of course, the worst that could happen to Bush would be that he would be regarded as a tactless, arrogant, clueless and socally inept guy who has no clue how to run a country. Oh, wait. He's already regarded as a tactless, arrogant, clueless and socially inept guy who has no clue how to run a country.

Here's a quick YouTube clip of the confrontation....(thanks for the use of your tubes, YouTube!)

An innocent enough gesture....if you're at a party with some close friends and you've had a couple of Coronas, but at this venue?!! Get a grip, George!

Let's see how the Chancellor really felt about the quickie massage:

Bush Sites His Prey

Bush Moves In

Bush Gets Jiggy

Merkle is Irked


Needless to say, many of the other world leaders in attendance were shocked. When asked for a comment, Russian President Vladimir Putin was quoted as saying,

"I've Never Seen Anything Like It!"

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Party On, Dude!

Party-Boy For Rent
(the hat costs extra)

Planning a party?! Not sure how to entertain your guests? Why not consider hiring Britney Spear's husband? That's right, for only a modest fee of $20,000 you can assure your party will be a huge success with the talented Mr. Spears in attendance. What will K-Fed do at your party, you might ask? Silly question. Yo, he will mingle, bro! He will bring some white boy funk to your crib, that's what! He will bring the bling and give some major street cred to your celebrity-starved soiree! But make sure you stock plenty of Coors beer, because that's probably the drink of choice for this upper-class party-boy-for-rent.

"Yo! My contract included sunblock SP25!"

Yes, the official word is that Britney is very happy that her deadbeat hubby finally has a reason to exist, other than to mooch off of her. Now, he can mooch off of others, and even get paid for it! Astoundingly, it's been reported that since thinking up this scam, the Fed-Man has pocketed an estimated $700,000 just in the last four months, alone! Good Lord, that means that 35 people have fallen for this gimmick. Amazing. But what we'd like to know is, how much does he charge to stay away?!

"I promise not to vomit in your pool"

And while we're at it, we'd like to take this opportunity to suggest that Dustin Diamond - TV's Screetch from Saved By the Bell, who has run out of money and owes $250,000 on his mortgage - get off his lazy ass and stop selling T-shirts and start pimping himself out to parties, too. Nobody wants one of your lame shirts, anyway.

Will Beg For Spot on Entertainment Tonight

Or better yet, Dustin should start selling T-shirts that read: "I Attended A Party With Kevin Federline And All I Got Was This Lousy Feeling Inside!"

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Words Of The Day

Official Slang Words

This week Google officially became a verb. 'To google', or to 'be googled' is now part of the lexicon of words that have been deemed by Merriam-Webster as needing a definition for their latest edition.

In addition to the lowercase google, we can now look up definitions for words we already know how to spell, such as unibrow, spyware, himbo, soul patch (aren't those two words?!) and mouse potato (actually, Dan Quayle might appreciate the entry for that one).

Word Is, Yahoo's Extremely Jealous

In case you don't have a dictionary handy (does anybody really use those things anymore, now that is at the disposal of all of us who don't know how to spell?) here's a quick rundown of some of the new words:

Soul Patch (noun) sool-pach: that outdated clump of facial hair that old guys wear to make themselves look hip

Unibrow (noun) you-nee-brou: the clump of hair between the eyebrows that present day society has deemed as hideous and must be plucked

Himbo (noun) him-bo: the ability to be good-looking and empty-headed at the same time

And as much as we'd love to see 'Irioti' - the acronym for I Read It On The Internet - be nominated for Word of the Year, here's a few words we'd like to submit to the lexicographers for next year:

Squidchops (noun) skwid-chaups: another word for jowls, or anyone who resembles Davey Jones from the new movie 'Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest', now playing at a theater near you

Dickwads (noun) dik-wods: the official name for pet owners who insist on dressing up their poor, defenseless animals in stupid costumes

Decider (noun) dee-si-der: Now that our president has deemed himself as such, we feel it's only fair to have the word be recognized as an actual, legitimate word for the rest of us
....but keep in mind....he's still 'The Decider'!

Who knows, maybe next year, Merriam-Webster will officially recognize nucular as a word....since our president stubbornly continues to believe that it already is one.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Adopt-A-Polar Bear!


From time to time we like to provide our readers with various public service announcements, (which are usually just veiled attempts at making fun of other web sites). This time we offer up Save-A-Polar Bear! Yes, for only $25, you can provide a polar bear with a warm meal, a cozy shelter, and hopefully a slight bit of assurance that the big-ass oil companies won't dump toxic oil spills into their drinking water.

If you have a hard time warming up to polar bear, then perhaps you'd be interested in adopting a cuddly jaguar! Yes, the jaguar also needs lots of hugs and a clean place to poop. Your gift of $35 will help keep the hunters and land developers at bay, allowing the near-extinct jaguar the assurance that he will live to prowl and devour smaller, more defenseless creatures another day.

"I Like To Cuddle!"

And who could resist those cute and cuddly sea otters?! Wouldn't you feel good about yourself, knowing that for only $25, you can assist the Defenders of Wildlife in making sure the big-ass oil companies don't accidentally dump a tankard of precious oil into their limited habitat?

Wolves Are Easily Potty-Trained!

All kidding aside - maybe - the Defenders of Wildlife organization is doing its best to keep these endangered and threatened species alive and kicking (or splashing). Check out their website to learn how you can help. Or, to see what other adorable critters you can adopt. Nothing will make you feel warmer inside than getting that first postcard from your very own adopted snowy owl, thanking you for keeping those bastard land developers at bay.

Your Donation Will Give Me
A Much-Needed Manicure!