Sunday, September 24, 2006

Caffeine-Freebase Cocaine

Goes Great With
Heroin-Laced Doritos!

Last week a Las Vegas-based beverage company introduced Cocaine to the marketplace. No, not THAT cocaine, but an energy drink that bears the same name. It's a great opportunity for young, impressionable kids to be introduced to the fabulous world of illegal drugs, without really breaking any laws. After all, now that spinach is off the market for a good long while, why not forget the idea of healthy eating altogether and embrace the idea of a mind-numbing sugar-laden energy drink to fill the void!

"I'd Love To Teach The World To Snort
In Per-fect Har-mo-ny!"

There's at least one person who thinks this is a great idea. That would be James Kirby, the drink's inventor. "We're getting a phenomenal response," says Kirby, crediting the drink's early success among consumers from high school kids to 30-year-olds. Kirby confesses that a "throat-numbing" ingredient is added to the drink to emulate that feeling of doing real cocaine, but he won't divulge the identity of that add-in, saying it's confidential. And no doubt, it will stay confidential for another few weeks, before he is arrested and brought up on charges.

The drink is supposed to give a person a "high" coupled with a tingly feeling of euphoria within five minutes of drinking it. That initial boost is followed 15 minutes later by an energy buzz that will last five to six hours. Kirby states this his Cocaine is "350 percent stronger than Red Bull" but that people do not experience the "sugar crash" or jitters that he says some of the other energy drinks can produce. However, he doesn't state anything about the constant grinding of the teeth and the overwhelming desire to steal your mother's pocketbook in order to go out and buy another six-pack of the stuff.

Liquid Cocaine!
Not Just For Lawyers And Club Hoppers Anymore!

Currently, the drink can be found only in limited supply in the Los Angeles and New York markets. This reporter had to visit 3 locations mentioned on the official website before getting his, uh before finding and testing the product in a purely journalistic fashion. And I'm happy to report that it's good....really, really, heh, heh, heh....seriously goooooood......!

"I Endorse This
Product Wholeheartedly!"