Sunday, July 29, 2007

Lindsay Lohan: "The Secret Of My Excess"

"This Picture Is Just So Rude!"

Hi, everybody! It's me, Lindsay!* A lot of really, really mean and nasty things have been written about me this past week, and I just wanted to take this opportunity to set my, set THE record straight about what really happened. Those annoying and nasty reporters have been saying that I'm out of control and that I'm a drunk and that I'm a drug addict and stuff. Well, that's just really rude! What did I ever do to deserve this kind of treatment?

I just don't know why the press makes me out to be some sort of wild and out-of-control party girl who drinks too much and does illegal drugs and doesn't show up on time for my movies and gets drunk in public places and then passes out in her car and then also drives drunk and also drives on a suspended license and drives over people's feet and stuff. I mean, come on! That's just so mean! And now they're saying that I was drunk one night this past week and chased my ex-assistant's mom in her SUV at 1:30 in the morning! That's just crazy! I would definitely remember if I did something like that!

"I don't remember doing
anything like this AT ALL!!!"

Anyway, I guess the police somehow believed the press, because now they have my mug shot plastered all over the internet. I just wonder how they can get away with distributing these obviously phony picture of me after being arrested! I mean, come on! I would obviously have remembered having my picture taken for the police! I'm really seriously thinking about suing somebody! It's just not fair how I keep getting picked on when I haven't done anything wrong! I don't even drink! Or do cocaine! Or pass out in my own car! Or drive over people's feet! I would definitely remember doing something like that!

"I SWEAR I would remember
doing something like this!"

So now, those nasty people in the press are saying that I might have to go to jail, or something. Why do they keep picking on me?! I always stop and pose for them when I walk down the red carpet and stuff! I always remember to use Visine before getting my picture taken for them! I just don't get why they want me to go to jail?! I haven't even done anything wrong! I really don't drink. Or do cocaine. Or pass out in my own car! Or drive over people's feet! I would definitely remember doing something like that!

"Here's another fake internet picture
of me looking drunk. How rude!!!"

So I really, really hope that this clears everything up! I personally would never print false stories about famous celebrities and their weird problems, or make fun of them on stupid websites! Obviously, there are a lot of people out there in the world that are just mean and stupid! So, now that I've stated my case and cleared everything up, maybe everybody will just go away and leave me alone. I really don't have time for all this mean stuff! I just want to have fun!
Lots and lots and lots of fun!

So anyway, everybody please go see my new movie, 'I Know Who Killed Me', playing in a theater near you! Oh, and my attorney wanted me to add this... "Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease". Whatever that means! Okay, I really gotta run! My friends are throwing a big support party for me later tonight at Les Deux!

"I'm steppin' out tonight!!!"

*Written by Lindsay Lohan celebrity impersonator

Sunday, July 15, 2007

"It's Fantacular!" (And Only Slightly Confurbing)

New Words To Live By

Since we obviously don't have enough words in the English language to communicate effectively, every year around this time, the fine folks over at Mirriam-Webster announce their newest entries for their latest version of America's best-selling dictionary, Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition. It's not an easy job selecting which words are deemed worthy enough for submission, and even though we at I Read It On The Internet have done our best in the past to offer up our own selection (see previous story) it's still up to those fine folks at Mirriam-Webster to be The Deciders.

"I Am STILL The Decider,
And That Word Is Copywrited!"

And even though we would have loved to see our own previous suggestions from last year chosen (they weren't) we won't hold that against them. We'll even make a few more suggestions for them to ignore....

First up, let's take a look at the new words they seem to think are better than squidchops, and dickwads (seriously, we're not bitter). The ginormous winner this year is .....Ginormous! Yes, the fine folks at Mirriam-Webster have chosen their Big New Word to be an actual merger of two existing words, Gigantic and Enormous. Many of us have heard people actually using this word. And many of us have actually thrown up in our own mouths every time we hear this stupid word being used. But, hey, if the fine folks at Mirriam-Webster like it, then who are we to say otherwise (seriously, we've gotten over last year's snub, and we are NOT bitter!).

In addition to Ginormous, several other new words that have gotten the official Miriam-Webster Seal-of-Approval are:

Crunk - "a style of rap music featuring repetitive chants and rapid dance rhythms".
Here again, we have a word created from two existing words, crank and drunk, which if you look up those two words in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of my Uncle Lester (even though he's not quite hip enough to wear crunkteeth).

Nocebo - "a harmless substance that when taken by a patient is associated with harmful effects due to negative expectations or the psychological condition of the patient".
Once again, a hybrid word consisting of a Placebo, which is a harmless substance taken by a patient with no side effects, and the word....uh, Not? Since it's.....not harmless?!

DVR - "digital video recorder".
Word on the street is that the word TiVo is pretty pissed off at being snubbed this year.

So once again, we here at I Read It On The Internet have taken it upon ourselves to submit a few more additional words for next year's edition. Now that we see a trend of merged words developing, here's a few merged words of our own....

Spectastic (adj. - spek-tas-tik )
For times when you feel that something is both spectacular AND fantastic. Also acceptable is the word Fantacular!

Beautquisite (adj. - be-yoot-skwiz-it)
A perfect word for someone who is a combination of beautiful AND exquisite. Also can be pronounced as Exquisiful!

Confurbing (adj. - con-fer-bing)
The process of combining existing words can be a combination of confusing and disturbing. It can also be quite Disfusing!

Maybe next year, we'll see some of these new words submitted to the Mer-Web Collegionary, Twelfth Edition!

A Work In Progress

Sunday, July 01, 2007

"We Wants It...We Needs It....Must Have The Precious iPhone!"

"My iPrecious!"

That loud and overwhelming rush of wind you hear is the sound of hundreds of thousands of tech geeks across the country breathing a collective sigh of relief. As of Friday evening, June 30, 2007 the mighty iPhone has finally been released into mainstream society! And those Believers In All Things Apple now are in proud position of their coveted new Precious.

"If Only I Could've
Made It Grow Hair!"

All hail the mighty Steve Jobs - co-founder and CEO of Apple Incorporated - for coming up with the second coming of cell phones. All other cell phones are puny and pathetic in comparison. They should hide their tiny operating systems in shame. (And while we're at it, shame on Verizon Wireless for passing up the exclusive deal with Apple, which would've provided them with the iPhone to sell. Can you hear me now, Verizon? You ba-luew it big time!)

We live in a truly marvelous time. You can sit at your work station and listen to your own favorite tunes. You can drive in your car and receive e-mails. And now thanks to the iPhone, you can sit on the toilet and surf the actual world wide web! Just think, in years to come, you and I will be able to bore our grandchildren with stories like, "When I was your age, I had to read a magazine when I took a poop".

"Hey! Cool Website!"

All kidding aside, this little device is pretty darn impressive. It's a cell phone! It's an iPod! It's a web-browser! It's a camera! It's all of this...and more! And it does it all well. So far, from having played with one of these for several hours, we have not found a single thing to complain about (oh, sure, you can't upload your own can't change the battery, blah, blah, blah). But the things it does does very well!

One of our personal favorite functions - other than scrolling through the pages with your fingers, pinching, then expanding the screen display with your fingers, turning it sideways to watch a You Tube video - is the ability to select and listen to specific voice mails, instead of being at the mercy of listening through several voice mails, waiting for the one you actually want to hear. Brilliant! That alone is worth the pricey $500 - $600 price tag! (well, maybe not)

So, for the record, I Read It On The - which has always been as anti-Apple as possible - gives the iPhone a big iFive. Here's everything else you need to know about the iPhone....

In other words....Resistance Is Futile.

"So Bright...So Beautiful...My iPrecious!"