A Series Of Tubes

Tube Boob

This website has already reported on the ongoing debate on Net Neutrality and the future of internet freedom, but we haven't yet heard from Senator Ted Stevens, the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation; the man whose wisdom will ultimately help determine whether big businesses such as AT&T and Comcast will be allowed to regulate the speed and the availability of particular websites they provide to their subscribers. It's a highly volatile issue, with much at stake, therefore it's important to hear what the 82-year-old Senator Stevens had to say about the controversy. Here's a direct quote from his address to the Senate earlier this month:

"They want to deliver vast amount of information over the Internet, and again, the Internet is not just something you dump something on," he said. "It's not a big truck, it's a series of tubes! And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled! If they're filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line, it's going to be delayed by anyone who puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material."

The Senator went on to explain in crystal clear detail how his staff sent an internet (we assume he means an e-mail) that got delayed, because of ten movies(?):

"Ten movies streaming across that internet....and what happens to your own personal internet? I...I just the other day got internet, was sent by my staff at 10:00 in the morning on Friday...I got it yesterday!"

Obviously, the man responsible for determining the future of the internet is not exactly up to speed. He's not even up to dial-up. Our guess is that he came up with this brilliant statement when he dusted off his 1947 issue of his Funk & Wagnells dictionary and found this definition:

A Series Of Tubes (phrase) 'ah see-rees uhv toobs': what the internet will someday be made up of.

Who put this man in charge of this legislation? It's sort of like putting Gilligan in charge of the Navy. To think that the future of the internet is in the wrinkled hands of this out-of-touch politician is enough to make you download in your pants.

Rubbed The Wrong Way

However, we decided to do our own research and we discovered another definiton from our slightly more updated dictionary:

A Series of Tubes: another description for the current world leaders.

Yes, this term could certainly apply to the recent behavior captured on film and sent to us through tubes, regarding the bizarre behavior of other politicians large and in charge.

This past week, George W Bush attended the G8 Summit, where he successfully groped German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Many were shocked that Bush would treat the respected leader of her country with such a casual regard. Talk about political incorrectness! This kind of behavior would get you sued over here in America. Of course, the worst that could happen to Bush would be that he would be regarded as a tactless, arrogant, clueless and socally inept guy who has no clue how to run a country. Oh, wait. He's already regarded as a tactless, arrogant, clueless and socially inept guy who has no clue how to run a country.

Here's a quick YouTube clip of the confrontation....(thanks for the use of your tubes, YouTube!)



An innocent enough gesture....if you're at a party with some close friends and you've had a couple of Coronas, but at this venue?!! Get a grip, George!


Let's see how the Chancellor really felt about the quickie massage:


Bush Sites His Prey


Bush Moves In


Bush Gets Jiggy


Merkle is Irked


"Security!!!"



Needless to say, many of the other world leaders in attendance were shocked. When asked for a comment, Russian President Vladimir Putin was quoted as saying,




"I've Never Seen Anything Like It!"